darthfandomcom-20200214-history
Darth Psycho
Darth Psycho was a crazy Teek Sith Mega-Super-Overlord native to the planet Endor who lived some time after the death of Darth Sorrow. As a young 'un, he was a bit of a messer, and one day, along with his beloved friends, he traveled to the top of the ghost of a big mountain, which, as it transpired, had a bit of a personality. The Force ghost of Darth Sorrow then trained Psycho in the ways of the Sith, and over time, the little madman became extremely powerful. He eventually killed a bunch of Ewoks, had a fight with Luke Skywalker, grew a second head, and became the Emperor. He was an extremely powerful individual, and did not hesitate to use unusual methods to defeat his many adversaries. In the end, he was remembered not as a hero, a savior or even a nice guy, but as a three-foot height, hairy megalomaniac. Biography Early life Darth Psycho was born on the planet Endor several years after the death of Darth Sorrow. He lived near the mountain range where Sorrow was born and died, and he grew up hearing tales of how Sorrow's spirit haunted the mountains. One day, Womble W. Warrick dared Psycho and another child, Princess Kneeeeesa Babballa Ridikkulus Name, to travel with him to the highest point of the highest mountain, and call Darth Sorrow a "fejit" (Ewok slang for what we might call a t*****y, a f********g, a y*p or a n**********n-p****i). And so the trio of idiots children set off to where Sorrow's spirit apparently wandered, determined to piss it off. They eventually reached a really tall mountain, and at the top of their tiny voices screamed "Darth Sorrow is a feji-," before their little game was abruptly cut short by the sudden death of Kneeeeesa and Womble, who lay in several pieces on the rocky ground, covered in blood. A great blue and see-through Sorrow appeared, and told Psycho to say his last words. Psycho called him a fejit again, stuck his little fingers up the spirit's nose, and ran around in circles with his arms in the air, screaming all sorts of obscenities about Sorrow, his parents and the size of his penis. Little did Psycho know that this would one day become Form $%"£^&, also known as the Way of the Fejit. Sith training Sorrow was so taken aback by this little outburst that he decided to let little Psycho live, at least to entertain him. When he studied the little creature in more detail, he found that he was actually Force-sensitive, and decided to train him in the ways of the Sith. So, for three long years, Psycho was trained by the sad ghost, and eventually he became far more powerful than Sorrow had ever been in life. One day in their homey little cavern, the two faced off, after Psycho hurt Sorrow's feelings (not difficult). There was a big huge fight, and just when it looked like Sorrow was getting the upper hand, Psycho pulled down his ghost trousers. Feeling all exposed, Sorrow dropped his weapon to cover his weenie, and with a triumphant scream, Psycho stuck his lightsaber into his transparent master, killing him. Yes, I know he was a ghost, but just shut the hell up and stop nitpicking, ok? Endor holocaust Darth Psycho finally had complete freedom for the first time in his life. He was quite annoyed at his village for not having looked for him and his friends, so he decided to go and massacre them, reasoning that if it didn't make him feel any better about their forgetfulness, it would at least give his lightsaber some exercise. So he marched down to the village, and committed what would later be known as the Endor Holocaust. He stabbed 16 Ewoks to death, beheaded another 12, low-blowed a further 10, bit 22 to pieces, and sliced over 60 in half. There was only one survivor left, and this little Ewok (the survivor) had in fact helped Psycho kill the others. Realizing his Force potential, Psycho made him his Sith apprentice, naming him Darth Simon. Offworld So, the two became master and apprentice, and after a while, they were each as crazy powerful as each other. Using a Sith hot-air balloon, they left Endor and set off to travel the greater galaxy. They traveled to many worlds, calling people fejits and just generally insulting them, until they were brought to the attention of Luke Skywalker, who was annoyed at the deaths of so many Ewoks, whom he was friendly with. So, eventually the duo agreed to meet Luke for tea. Luke wasn't aware of their...personalities, so he assumed it was Ewok/Teek custom to pour the tea over your guest and then piss into the cup. Eventually, negotiations broke down between the two parties. Some historians attribute this to Psycho's head-butting Luke, while others give the credit to Simon, who somehow managed to smash Luke's head through a TV. A vicious duel ensued. Psycho dealt several blows to Luke, the most painful being his gouging of Luke's eye, which he kept on a necklace as a victory trophy. Simon kicked ass also; he whipped a razor blade out of his pocket and shaved off Luke's hair, which he too kept as a monument to his victory. Skywalker was eventually beaten to a pulp. The two crazies then practiced a form of torture similar to that of Sand People torture, using long, sharp, silver instruments to drive Luke crazy. They eventually killed him, though they did do it quite slowly. Vague title goes here With his greatest enemy defeated, Psycho continued to ravage the galaxy, along with his trusty sidekick. One notable encounter during this period was with the pathetic and reprehensible Darth Perfectly Sane, whose failure to embrace the psychotic nature of the Sith inspired Darth Psycho to slice him into thin strips and dangle them from his balloon's gondola. However, one night Psycho had a dream. In the dream, Psycho saw the ghosts of his two childhood friends, along with Darth Sorrow and everyone he had ever killed. They told him to change his ways or else, because he was delving so deep in the Dark Side that he would never return. Now, most people would've been affected by this. Darth Psycho was, however, not most people, and so his reaction was slightly different to what 's might have been. He turned away from the crowd, dropped his trousers and then ran around screaming swear words. Then the dream ended. Second head Things slowly deteriorated for Psycho from that point on. One morning, he woke up to find that a second head, identical to the first, had sprouted beside the original. The head was a bit of a pain for Psycho, partially because it kept telling him that it should be his new apprentice, and partially because it had no indoor voice, and was usually in the proximity of Psycho's ears. Eventually, the second head, which Psycho affectionately dubbed "Fuckhead," had a massive fight with Simon, using Psycho's body (they shared control of the body, though the real Psycho had it more often). So, "Fuckhead" and Simon had a fight, and "Fuckhead" eventually won, despite the efforts of Psycho, who managed to regain control of one of his arms and punch "Fuckhead" in the nose with it. More than once. Anyway, "Fuckhead" emerged victorious, and Psycho begrudgingly agreed to train him as a Sith, adding a Darth to his previous name. So he trained him for a while, but Psycho eventually heard Darth Fuckhead talking of killing his master behind his back. So Psycho decided to end his second head's life, pulling a chainsaw on him in the middle of the night. However, just as Psycho was about to kill his other head, Fuckhead gained control of the body, and killed his master. He took his name and body, and nobody could tell the difference.He killed his evil head, and was alone for the first time in a while.However, the chainsaw proved ineffective, so he had to let the second head stay, albeit under the balaclava he chained to his other head. (click action=purge}} purge to see a different happening.) Return to Endor Psycho decided to return to his native planet for no apparent reason, and again for no reason he visited the mountain where his friends were killed. Thus, he was rather surprised to see his two friends alive and well on the mountain top, cooking marshmallows on a fire. It transpired that Darth Sorrow had used the Force to create the illusion of the two Ewok's deaths, to turn Psycho into a swearing, farting, killing machine. Psycho felt a sudden rush of saneness (the first in a while), and decided to cease being a Sith, and join his friends for a little bonfire. Things went splendidly for a while, and Psycho suddenly realized his lust for Princess Kneeeeesa Babballa Ridikkulus Name. He seized his opportunity, and asked her in what he felt was a tactful, romantic way if she would go to bed with him. Kneeeeesa, however, did not think the way he phrased it was tactful or romantic, and slapped him in the face. She then told him she had chosen Womble as her mate, and she moved to sit beside him. Psycho didn't take all too kindly to this, and walked over to his rival and gouged out his eyes. He then kicked him in the head and urinated upon his unconscious body. Kneeesa then tried to escape, but Psycho used Force crazy on her, running around with his arms all over the place so fast that she simply turned to dust. He then packed his bag and left Endor. For good measure he destroyed it once and for all. A hattish end Psycho, looking for something interesting to do, killed the Emperor and usurped his throne. He unilaterally passed several radical new laws, and, suddenly, he became extremely unpopular, because he had declared alien hunting illegal, and had disbanded all forms of law enforcement. So, one midsummer's afternoon, an angry mob gathered outside Psycho's mansion, demanding his head(s). He came out to meet them, and as a joke used the Force to turn them all into hats. All sorts of hats. Bowler hats, top-hats, bonnets, baseball caps, panama hats, skull caps, and even Darth Hats. They rounded on the Teek mad-thing, biting at him with the tiny mouths he so sillily decided to give them. One of the hats jammed itself onto Psycho's head(s), and somehow managed to cause him to have a rupture in one of his arteries, and he died.He bravely fended off the hats, until only one remained: Darth Hat. He took Hat as an apprentice and was never seen again. (click action=purge}} purge to see a different ending. Be warned: both are anti-climatic.) Appearances *''Dark Fejit: The Rise of Lord Psycho'' *''Evil Is Never Orthodox: Chronicles of the Unusual Sith'' *''Evil Is Never Orthodox Handbook: A-Z of Odd Megalomaniacs'' Notes and references Category:Aliens Category:Crazy people Category:Males Category:Sith Mega-Super-Overlords